The Hogs of Entropy 0312

Published in

· 26 Apr 2019

  

 
 '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! 
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  ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #312 !! 
  #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS!  !! 
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  ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Beepers"                                !! 
  ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mutter                             !! 
 ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98                                  !! 
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        It used to be only drug dealers and doctors carried beepers. 
 What a glorious commentary on the evolution of telecommunication 
 technology in our society when a plain old loser like me, who has no 
 need for a beeper, can actually afford one!@# 

        Yeah.  Don't ask HOW.  Ask HOW MUCH.  So, taking this wise advice 
 I marched my financially-deprived ass down to the store and bought 
 myself the biggest, (cheapest) piece of shit beeper available.  Am I 
 happy?  You betcha. 

        "Hey, mutter.  Check out my new motorola beeper.  It fits on my 
 keychain!" 

        God damn it.  What's the point of that?  What's the point of 
 having such an obscure little pager that fits nice and snug on your 
 body and is UNNOTICEABLE?  I want every punk on the street to know I'm 
 constantly wired into the global village -- that I couldn't escape it 
 if I wanted to.  I WANT them to know my ball and chain is attached to 
 my pocket and follows me wherever I go.  I WANT them to know I have one 
 more thing that I NEED to have on me so I don't feel naked.  I NEED 
 them to know when it goes off. Vibrating alarm?... fuck that.  I want a 
 goddamn siren on my beeper.  I want bells and whistles to go off and 
 balloons to fall from the ceiling.  I want the voice of God to announce 
 from the heavens in his booming, omnipotent voice "MUTTER IS IMPORTANT." 

        [I have issues.] 

        So now I got a beeper.  I'm connected.  I'm cool.  I'm starting 
 to talk in codes... 

        "y0, 112. wuz the 411?!  I was just chillin' and illin' in 212 
 when this punk started fucking around so I opened up a can of 187 on 
 his ass.  He had to 911.  Afterwards we pulled a 420.  Hell yeah.  There 
 was this girl there and she was all like 69 but her boyfriend was there 
 and tried to send my ass to 666.  Shit!" 

        Not only that, but now I have to learn to interpret people's 
 weird codes.  For instance, today I got beeped with "07734" -- it took 
 me about ten minutes to figure out what this meant.  Think about it... 

        They're also the best for getting out of difficult situations. 
 Just think of how many times you would have liked to glance at a beeper 
 and said, "Oh.  I'd really like to stay, but my beeper just went off 
 and I have to go."  Sure, you can do it with a box of Good & Plenty but 
 the effect just isn't the same... 

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 !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!      #312 - WRITTEN BY: MUTTER - 12/6/98 !!