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Blisters on my Butt 12
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b l i s t e r s - o n - m y - b u t t
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issue 012 - "how to hack a gibson" by EDICIUS
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contact: http://www.alt164.com/bomb or bomb@alt164.com
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HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO NEED:
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1 AMY GIBSON OF WEST LANSING, MICHIGAN
4 RED ALIGATOR CLIP WIRES
2 PUMPKINS
6 NIPPLE CLAMPS
3 PUFFY JEWISH GUYS
2 9 VOLT BATTERY
7 AVERAGE FREQUENCY RESPONE (AFR) UNITS (KG)
120 HARRIER JETS
2 NUCLEAR WARHEADS
1 SMALL ARMY
1 RADIO R
2 GALLONS OF GREEN JELLO
1 REALLY BIG AND REALLY DULL KNIFE (PREFERABLY BITCHES, ER BUTCHERS)
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OKAY, TAKE YOUR NINE VOLT BATTERY AND PUT IN YOUR RADIO. YOU'RE
GOING TO NEED SOME T00NZ WHILE YOU'RE HACKING. BUST SOME PHAT
BEATS.
NEXT, THEN THE RED ALIGATOR CLIPS AND ATTATCH THEM TO THE NIPPLE
CLAMPS. PUT THEM ON YOUR NIPPLES WHILE YOU'RE LISTENING TO THE
MUSIC. IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING, HACKING WISE, BUT BOY, DOES IT FEEL
GOOD. WHILE YOU HAVE YOUR NIPPLES CLAMPED, GET THE THREE PUFFY
JEWISH GUYS TO RUB GREEN JELLO ALL OVER YOUR CLAMPED NIPPLES. IT'S
A GOOD PREPARATION FOR THE HACKING X-PERIENCE.
NOW TAKE THE OTHER NINE VOLT BATTERY AND USE ANOTHER ALIGATOR CLIP
TO ATTATCH THE BATTERY TO YOUR NIPPLES. THIS IS YOUR MAIN SOURCE
OF ENERGY FOR YOUR HACKING EXPERIENCE.
GET IN ONE OF YOUR HARRIER JETS AND PUT YOUR NUCLEAR WARHEAD IN IT.
WHILE IN YOUR JET, FLY TO ANN ARBOR MICHIGAN. MAKE SURE YOU COMMAND
YOUR ARMY TO GO THERE, TOO. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LAUNCH A FULL
SCALE INVASION.
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SUGGESTED THINGS TO DO IN WEST LANSING BEFORE YOU HACKING EXPERIENCE:
1) THERE'S A SMALL RETARDED BOY NAMED EDDIE. HE'S ON THE CORNER
OF WILLOW AND MAIN STREET. HE'S A NICE KID. HE SELLS LEMONADE
ON THE CORNER DURING THE WARM MONTHS. KICK HIM IN THE KNEES UNTIL
HE FALLS DOWN. HE WON'T PUT UP MUCH OF A FIGHT. MAKE SURE YOU YELL
A LOT. EXPLOIT HIS MOM. SHE HASN'T UPGRADED HER SENDMAIL PROGRAM, SO
YOU CAN STILL GET IN THROUGH THE SENDMAIL -L12 BUG.
2) THERE'S A COFFEE SHOP WITH THREE OLD MEN IN IT. YOU HAVE A GOLDEN
SWORD. YOU HAVE +5 HIT POINTS. THERE IS AN EXIT TO THE NORTH.
3) PROTEST MCGALLEY'S FUR STORE ON SOUTH STREET. 40 ANIMALS DIE FOR
ONE COAT. THERE IS NO REASON FOR THIS MURDEROUS RAMPAGE TO CONTINUE.
IF YOU CAN SACRAFICE ONE OF YOUR WARHEADS, BOMB THIS STORE. THE BITCH
DESERVES TO DIE. MEET IS MURDER.
4) IF X^2 + 4 = 8, THEN WHAT DOES Y EQUAL?
::::::::::::::: :::::::: ::::::::::: ::::::::::::::
OKAY.
WALK UP TO HER HOUSE. SHE LIVES ON DELEWARE AVENUE, 1152. GO AROUND
TO THE REAR OF THE BUILDING. ENTER IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR. THERE MAY BE
A DOG, SO COME PREPARED. USE YOUR NUCLEAR WARHEAD ON THE DOG. THERE IS
10 +2 RANGE. YOU STILL THE GOLDEN SWORD. THERE IS AN EXIT TO THE SOUTH
AND AN OGRE TO THE EAST.
NEXT: WALK UP THE STAIRS, SHE'LL BE IN THE BED. HOPEFULLY ASLEEP.
COMMAND YOUR SMALL ARMY TO TAKE TURNS WITH THE KNIFE. YOU'RE GOING
TO WANT TO HAVE TO TO HIT HER WITH THE DULL END OF THE KNIFE REPEATEDLY.
OVER AND OVER AGAIN. MAKE SURE THE KNIFE IS REALLY DULL, OTHERWISE
YOU'LL CUT HER TOO FAST. THE REPEATED STRIKING MOTION IS WHAT WE
(THE ELITE) CALL "HACKING".
WHEN YOU'VE "HACKED" THE GIBSON, YOU MIGHT WANT TO LEAVE. THERE WILL
BE A LOT OF PEOPLE ASKING QUESTIONS. (LIKE: "WHAT IS THIS SMALL ARMY
DOING IN MICHIGAN?" "WHY ARE THERE ALL THESE HARRIER JETS ON MY FRONT
LAWN?" "OH MY GOD, YOU ASSHOLES. YOU FUCKING HEARTLESS SON OF A FUCKING
BITCH. YOU KILLED MY DAUGHTER. YOU'LL BURN FOR THIS, SINNER! I SWEAR, IF
I EVER SEE YOU IN THIS TOWN AGAIN, I'LL FUCKING RIP YOUR HEART OUT
AND SERVE IT TO YOU FOR DINNER. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? GET YOUR HANDS
OFF OF ME. STOP THAT. NO. NO. GOD NO.")
IF YOU TAKE THE AFR (AVERAGE FREQUENCY RAMONES) UNITZ AND HOO KTHEM
UP TO THE RADIO, YOU'LL GET +9 OGRE SLAYING. THAT'S JUST A HINT.
EAT THE PUMPKINS FOR DESERT. YUM YUM!!!
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(c) jesus was a wanker press, 1998, biznatch.
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