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Peter Funk Press Vol 5
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| Vol 5 ********* Gratis |
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SPERM BANK BECOMES IMPOTENT
San Francisco (PETER FUNK PRESS).
Today, The First National Sperm Bank of San Francisco declared itself
impotent and closed its doors. Within an hour of the closing, a crowd of
about 500 of the bank's depositors, mostly men, gathered around First
National's front door, demanding the return of their sperm deposits. They
hurled plastic bags full of 2% milk at the building and chanted over and
over "Return my sperm!" When the bank refused to open its doors, the crowd
became violent and tried to break into the bank. First National bank
managers then called the police who broke up the enraged crowd with tear
gas and saltpeter.
Samaritan Bootlick, a fertility expert from the Congress of Copious
and Gala Fertility (CCGF), says the bank's failure exemplifies the problems
of the sperm bank industry, and he predicts more sperm bank failures in the
future. He has even suggested a fertility panic, a run on sperm banks, and
the collapse of the entire sperm industry unless the federal government
intervenes.
The problems of First National Sperm Bank of San Francisco began when
its young and aggressive manager Moot Protege invested the bank's sperm
reserves in venture fertility schemes. The bank suffered incredible losses
in these high risk investments. For instance, First National lost 50,000
units of sperm in a venture to improve the efficacy of sperm by teaching
them the crawl stroke and the scissors kick. However, it failed when the
sperm could only learn to dog paddle very fast. Even though this venture
scheme cast doubt on the ability of sperm to learn, First National
continued to invest in such projects and lost more than 300,000 units of
sperm in ventures to teach sperm things like assertive training and dead
reckoning.
The bank lost another 10,000 units of sperm in a eugenics venture
called Truth Justice and the American Way, run by a company called Hot
Pants Associates. First Bank lent 10,000 units of sperm to Hot Pants, which
used them to trade for 100 units of Superman's sperm. Hot Pants intended to
inseminate American women for a fee and breed Americans that can fly.
However, this project failed because confidence men sold Hot Pants
Associates 100 units not of Superman's sperm but that of Alfred E. Newman.
The death blow came to the bank when Protege, fearing the loss of his
job, then tried to recoup the bank's sperm loss by his own fraud. He
inflated First National's sperm reserves by buying billions of units of
sperm whale sperm, depositing it in the vault, and registering it as human
sperm. The inflated sperm reserves allowed First National to borrow sperm
from other sperm banks and buy sperm on the open futures market.
So long as the world spot sperm price rose Protege could pay off the
interest on the loans; however, the world sperm price fell when the
Chinese, desperate for foreign capital, went on a crash program to gather
sperm from its population and dumped 50 billion units of sperm on the
world market. The world spot sperm price dropped 30% in a week. First
National couldn't meet its margin calls and Protege's entire scheme
collapsed, forcing First National Sperm Bank of San Francisco to close its
doors.
Ironically, Samaritan Bootlick and the CCGF blame the federal
government for the sperm bank industry's problems. They believe an act of
Congress, the Ying Yang Act, laid the foundation for sperm banks to abuse
regulations and engage in speculation. Passed in the middle of the night by
Congress, the Ying Yang Act deregulated the sperm bank industry, enabling
sperm banks to extend their intercourse into risky enterprises. Bootlick
says the act favors speculation, and the Congress should reverse it before
the entire sperm industry collapses, forcing an immense federal bailout in
which every able-bodied American man will have to donate some of his sperm
to save the sperm bank industry from certain ruin.
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Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved.
You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the written
permission of the author with exception that a single user may retrieve
the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher
and may send it to another single user through electronic mail other than
an electronic mailing list such as Majordomo.
Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and
electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions
welcome.
