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Peter Funk Press Vol 3
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| Vol 3 ********* Gratis |
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STILL WHITEWATER RUNS DEEP....NOT
Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS)
The marketing research firm Putz Putz Putz & Sneer came out with
another poll the other day, which showed most Americans don't understand
the Whitewater scandal very well. The firm polled 1005 Americans and a
control group 36 very smart orangutans. The orangutans showed their
intelligence by demonstrating they could pull a voting lever when rewarded
with a banana, thus, proving they had the approximate intelligence of a
registered American voter.
Pollsters working for Putz Putz Putz & Sneer formulated the survey to
discover what Americans know about the important questions concerning
President Clinton's involvement in the Whitewater affair, specifically,
what the President knew, when he didn't know it, and why his gut keeps
expanding even though every time you turn on the television news you see
him jogging someplace.
The survey conducted by Putz Putz Putz & Sneer had one question: "In
your opinion, what is this Whitewater stuff all about, true or false?".
When the firm's statisticians equated the poll results to the general
population of America, they presumed 63% of most Americans would answer the
question true, the wrong answer, and 15% of most Americans would give the
correct answer of false.
The remaining 55% of most Americans would answer B, which stated that
the Whitewater scandal consists of a secret plan concocted in the National
Security Council to sell Iran to some generic hostages and with the profits
hire etiquette expert Gennifer Flowers to help Hillary Clinton become more
popular with the average American white male.
In the secret plan, Flowers would make Hillary more popular to the
average white male by teaching her to shut up once in a while, and when she
did speak to wear red lipstick, purse her ruby-painted lips, talk in a high
pitched, squeaky voice with her mouth open, and say, "Ooh ooh," in every
sentence. For instance, when Ms. Clinton criticized the drug companies for
price fixing, she should have said, "Ooh the drug companies must stop
gouging the American people, ooh ooh. Stop it right now drug companies, ooh
ooh."
However, the plan did not come about because Gennifer Flowers demanded
compensation in the form of an important cabinet position in the Clinton
administration like Secretary of Push-Up Bras, but President Clinton
refused to give it to her because, in a cunning political move to attract
members of United We Stand, he already had picked Ross Perot for the job.
Already, critics have questioned the results of the Whitewater poll.
For instance, 32% of the orangutans in the control group gave the correct
answer of false, more than twice as many Americans. Critics charge the poll
used biased methods to acquire these results because the pollsters gave
bananas to those orangutans which answered the question correctly. Putz
Putz Putz & Sneer discounted the criticism. "If anything," said Garwood
Raison-d'etre, the company's spokesman, "we favored the Americans in the
poll because not only did we give the Americans bananas when they answered
correctly but we also peeled the bananas for them."
Critics also denounce the calculations done in the poll, for the
results show 123% of the sample answered the question. Raison-d'etre calls
this a small numerical aberration within the study's statistical margin of
error. He said the 23% surplus meant nothing. "Why," he said, "we have such
statistical aberrations all the time.
He said the firm once received a $500,000 grant from the American
Deciduous Leaves Cartel to find out what Americans think about twigs in
their diet. With the grant money they sent out their pollsters who asked
twelve average, deranged Americans, "Would you eat more twigs to increase
the fiber in your diet if given the opportunity?" None of the twelve people
in the sample answered the question. In fact, all twelve held up crucifixes
to the faces of the pollsters and said, "Back you vampire back. Back to
your coffin."
Statisticians of Putz Putz Putz & Sneer then took this numerical
anomaly of zero responses into account and through their patented methods
of statistical interpretation they found 54% of most Americans would eat
more twigs if they had enough barbecue sauce on them.
In their next survey, Putz Putz Putz & Sneer will survey what the
American people think of President Clinton's abdomen. It has become a
controversial topic in the scientific community, and the scientists on The
National Board of Blimps, Blubber-Guts and General Lardo in the Department
of Health and Human Services have become very interested in it. The Board
doesn't understand why Clinton has lost no weight despite all the jogging
he does, but the White House Press corps, who jog with him, have lost so
much weight they now weigh an average of 37.5 pounds each, the smallest
average weight for a White House press corps since the International Bureau
of Weights and Measures began keeping such statistics in 1952.
Many scientists also say Clinton's expanding gut goes against the law
of physics. For instance, a physicist at Stanford University Dr. Claymont
Hempfever has studied this question and calculated Clinton has jogged a
distance equal to two orbits of Saturn around the sun during his year and a
half presidency; yet, to all empirical observations, his stomach has not
decreased but increased in volume, mass, and kilometers. Hempfever
speculates that Clinton's belly conforms to some unknown natural force in
the universe, possibly an evil one such as the force that causes some of
your socks to disappear whenever you do your laundry, or the one that
causes people to flirt with dachshunds.
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Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved.
You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the written
permission of the author with exception that a single user may retrieve
the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher
and may send it to another single user through electronic mail other than
an electronic mailing list such as Majordomo.
Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and
electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions
welcome.
