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Peter Funk Press Vol 8
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| Vol 8 ********* Gratis |
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WHITE HOUSE GUMPED
Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS)
Forrest Gump appeared at a White House reception this morning to
accept the Presidential Medal of Freedom, which he won for becoming a role
model of the American people. In the past year he has exhibited the
characters that Americans admire most in people: By accident, he became
rich, famous and starred in a movie of his own life. Americans especially
revere his ability to accomplish this despite possessing the intelligence
of a potato. Gump has such low a intelligence he once asked someone which
direction he should look to find the sky.
Upon receiving the medal from First Lady Hillary Rodham-Clinton, Gump
gave an acceptance speech in which he thanked President Clinton and his
wife for the medal. He said he didn't know what he would do with the medal
but it looked as if it would make a great drink coaster.
Gump also laced his speech with Gumpisms, maxims of wisdom his mother
taught him as a child such as "A bird in the hand will poop on your palm.";
"Don't pee on strangers when you first meet them and you will make a much
better impression."; "If you look in the mirror and don't like what you
see, be confident and stop looking in mirrors." Gump said he lived his life
according to these sayings and if every American lived by them they all
would win their own Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Gump also recalled in his speech his visit to the White House in the
60s to accept the Congressional Medal of Honor for his valor in the Vietnam
War. At this medal ceremony, Gump shook hands with President Lyndon
Johnson, and he asked Johnson if he would like to see the war wound on his
butt. Johnson declined but sent Gump over to Vice-President Humphrey's
office, saying to Gump, "Have Hubert look at it. In my administration, he
handles that kind of stuff."
Gump ended his speech by saying, "Me, getting this medal just proves
this is the greatest country in the world. Hey, what country are we in
anyway."
President Clinton did not attend the ceremony. He had an important
strategy session with his advisors concerning foreign policy. The White
House, however, provided one of his digital images, filename President-
Clinton92.mov, the same image that plays the saxophone and tells anxious
Americans, "I feel your pain. I have hemorrhoids you know."
Nevertheless, President Clinton called Gump on the phone from the
strategy room of the White House to congratulate him. In their
conversation, Clinton told Gump they had a lot in common. For instance,
they both came from the South and slept with women outside of marriage.
Unfortunately, Gump couldn't hear the President's comments because a
raucous Can-Can revue high-kicked its way around Clinton and his advisors
as they planned their next foreign policy maneuver.
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PANETTA GUMPSIZES THE WHITE HOUSE
Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS)
White House Chief of Staff Leon Panetta surprised political
commentators and prognosticators and appointed Forrest Gump domestic policy
advisor to President Clinton as part of the long expected shakeup of the
White House staff.
Panetta hoped Gump's presence in the White House would boost Clinton's
plunging approval ratings. Clinton has dropped so low in the popularity
that a recent poll by Harangue and Imbroglio Associates, conducted to
discover what Americans hate most, found President Clinton came in third as
the most hated thing in America with only snakes (1) and big turds (2)
surpassing him, and with only two more responses for Clinton he would have
beaten out large turds.
Gump will have several jobs as domestic policy advisor to the
President, the primary one will be standing next to the President with his
arm around him in every photo opportunity possible. His other domestic
policy duties include maintaining the White House chocolates, jogging for
Clinton, changing the kitty litter of Socks, the Clinton's cat, and
watching the Lincoln bedroom so no tourists try to walk off with it.
Panetta also wanted to fire Dee Dee Myers, the White House
spokesperson, as part of the shakeup, but the President overruled him after
Myers met with the President privately. In an emotional meeting, in which
Meyers cried and threatened to hold her breath until she turned blue she
convinced the President to let her remain on the job. The President said he
felt Dee Dee's pain and rescinded Panetta's decision.
Later, a humiliated Panetta met with the President privately and
threatened to hold his breath until he turned blue unless the President
allowed him to fire Meyers. Clinton said he felt Panetta's pain and got
down on his knees and begged for Panetta's forgiveness. He promised Panetta
he would make it up to him. "I'll tell you what Leon," he said, "if anyone
ever gives you a hard time I'll have the CIA kill him for you."
"I'd rather have your office," replied Panetta.
"It's yours Leon. I'll move into the White House bowling alley and set
up my office there."
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DAN QUAYLE DUMPS ON GUMP AND PICKS HIS OWN GUMPIAN
Virginity (PETER FUNK PRESS)
Former VP Dan Quayle and possible Presidential candidate, once his
wife Marilyn whinnies her permission, told a local chapter of the Christian
Coalition that Clinton's selection of Forrest Gump for domestic affairs
advisor "was a cheap political trick that would backfire on him." The
organization met in Virginity, Virginia to discuss their political agenda
once the Republican Party regains the Presidency, particularly how they
would exorcise the demons that have taken up residence in the White House
since the Clintons have moved there.
Quayle told the organization that in this time of moral crisis with
divorce, illegitimacy, and rampant crime we need people of exemplary
character in the White House like me, my wife Marilyn, and our two sons
Wally and Beaver Cleaver.
Quayle called Gump a moral reprobate. He told the Christian Coalition
that in the film _Forrest Gump_ Gump has a child out of wedlock with a 60s
ex-hippie, ex-drug addict, who eventually dies of AIDS. He contracts AIDS
from her, moves to Philadelphia, gets a job as a hotshot lawyer for a
prestigious law firm just so he can sue them for discrimination when they
fire him for having AIDS.
Gump's moral failings do not surprise Quayle, considering he came from
a single parent home. His mother even slept with a school administrator to
get Gump into a mainstream classroom despite Gump's low intelligence.
The Christian Coalition took Quayle's criticisms seriously. They love
the way he attacks Hollywood and respect him for becoming the first
politician to base a political philosophy on the condemnation of a TV
fictional character, Murphy Brown. Even political scholars consider him the
best politician of any political persuasion at campaigning against
fictional characters.
To counter Clinton's selection of Gump as domestic policy advisor,
Quayle said he would choose Chauncy Gardiner, a fictional character from
the film _Being There_ as his Vice-President. Quayle says Gardiner has the
"sperience" to do the job, for in the film _Being There_, Gardiner would
have become Vice President to an unnamed fictional President if the film
had not ended.
The Christian Coalition cheered and applauded his proposal. Just as
the applause died down, a bolt of lightning flashed and thunder cracked in
the distance. "A sign!" a member cried. "Yes, it is a sign!" another
bellowed. Other members stood and yelled, "Praise the Lord!" Then, one man
jumped to his feet and screamed, "I am cured. I can swallow again!" and he
ran out of the auditorium to the nearest tavern and got wasted.
Quayle's choice seems very cunning, for Gardiner probably has less
intelligence than Gump. Gardiner also has conservative economic beliefs
based on gardening techniques. He believes the government can stop
inflation by dumping huge amounts of herbicide on it, improve the
productivity of workers by watering them once a day, and raise wages by
spreading manure on the profits of businesses.
Quayle says Gardiner also has a high moral character. For instance, he
refuses to sleep with Shirley McLaine in the film _Being There_. She plays
the character EE, a married woman, who throws herself at Gardiner.
According to Quayle, this will give Gardiner even more credibility with
conservatives like himself because McLaine, a liberal, has lived many times
before and learned all sorts of wanton, dissolute sexual practices from
living previous lives as Cleopatra, Caligula, Queen Victoria, Bismarck,
Elizabeth Taylor, and Michael Jackson.
Quayle believes Gardiner will probably accept the job of Vice-
President if he gets a big screen television and a remote control.
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WHITE HOUSE INSTALLS GUMP DEFENSE AGAINST HAITI
Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS)
After General Cedras watched CNN news broadcasts and learned how Dee
Dee Myers kept her job as White House spokesperson, he warned President
Clinton he would hold his breath until he turned blue if Clinton did not
recall US military forces and let him remain as President of Haiti. At a
meeting with General Shelton, the leader of US forces in Haiti, Cedras told
Shelton he wants to come to Washington, meet President Clinton privately
and tell him, "I no longer have a job. My country is occupied. Man, am I in
great pain. You wouldn't believe the pain I'm in." Then he would threaten
to hold his breath until he turns blue.
President Clinton has not commented on Cedras' threat. He has locked
himself in his new office in the bowling alley of the White House and told
his domestic policy advisor Forrest Gump to disregard Lincoln's bedroom and
answer the White House front door. If anyone from Haiti knocks on the door,
he said, tell them I am not home right now and won't return until the 1996
elections.
Meanwhile, former President Jimmy Carter has become concerned about
Cedras' provocation. He already has boarded a flight to Haiti to break the
tension and give Cedras mouth to mouth resuscitation.
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Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved.
You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the permission of
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Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and
electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions
welcome.
_THE PETER FUNK PRESS_ appears approximately twice a month on the USENET
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