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PRANKS, REVENGE, and GENERAL MAYHEM vol. 18
Feb.28/93
The Fixer Presents
Pranks, Revenge, and General Mayhem
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(C) 1993 The Fixer
With thanx to JB and Turb0
I had a neighbour whose mufflerless VW jalopy used to cruise in at 3 in
the morning, waking the dead and the living with its asthmatic droning.
Worse still, this guy sometimes liked to LEAVE at that hour, taking 5 to
10 minutes to rev and warm up his old shitbox at 90 dBm without a
concern for those of us who lost sleep. When I confronted this person
with this he basically told me to fuck off and that it was none of my
business.
Seeing red, that night I followed him to his regular pisstank (a local
bar) and waited for him to go inside. Tools in hand, I removed the
bulbs from all his taillights and turn signals and put the light covers
back on.
To make a long story short, the guy pissed it up for a few hours in the
bar, and on his way home he was pulled over by the cops for no
taillights. The officer, smelling the booze on his breath, called in a
breath tester and gave him a 24 hour roadside suspension for driving
drunk. He's a repeat DWI, so his court date comes up next month...
Have you seen those nasty things they have in some parking lots where
you can only drive over them one way? Drive the wrong way on one and
you'll pop all four tires. These are usually marked with "No Entrance -
Severe Tire Damage" which is an understatement as the tires are a
writeoff.
Wouldn't it be great to put one of these where someone least expects to
find one? Like in someone's driveway, or their parking spot at work?
Well, good luck finding a real one just like your local shopping mall,
but you CAN manufacture a field expedient version quite cheaply. Just
pound a bunch of four inch nails, at a 45 degree angle, into a 1"x3"
board about 8 feet long, at one inch intervals. Spray paint the whole
assembly the same shitty dark gray colour as the pavement. Use a few
more four inch nails to hold the thing to the pavement (you may be
surprised how soft asphalt really is...). If your victim is sharp he'll
see it before it's too late, but this file assumes that part of your
prejudice against your victim is to do with his stupidity...
By the way, it's said that the RCMP no longer need to engage in high
speed pursuits. They just lay out a portable version of the above ahead
of the fugitive's path, close the road ahead, and wait for him to barrel
over it at 90 MPH. I have heard that some spectacular crashes have been
caused with this tool, and no RCMP casualties... Wouldn't it be a shame
if one was left on an open highway at night (while your victim is on his
way to God knows where on the same route...)
Well, as a lot of you know, I run a popular BBS with girlie files in it.
In fact, my BBS has been a focus of attention for irate parents and
curious cops, so I keep a tight rein on who gets access to these rather
interesting little stories of sex and bondage. This means no-one under
18, a very liberal cutoff, gets access to 'em.
Well, this incensed a few of my younger, less mature users who seemed to
think I owed them the earth, moon, and most of the inner planets along
with access to these girlie files. To make a long story short, the
little turds egged my house and wrote a few rag files.
Rag files about the Fixer. I can see you all running for the blast
shelters.
I found myself reminded of the age-old saying, "live by the sword and
you will die by the sword." There would be no nasty letters to parents,
no indirect wardialing, no credit card frames, no stinkbombs in the
unsuspecting urchins' lockers. They lived by the sword, and as Ghod is
my witness they died by the sword when I took one of my raunchier
homosexual bondage stories and replaced the names of the main characters
with the names of these little r0desters. In fact several editions were
made, one for each kid, each with the kid's name being used for the
submissive ram-ee. Nice little stories about anuses and baseball bats,
you understand, where the kids were catching, not pitching.
Each of these files was sent, by fax, using a fax card programmed with a
bogus header, to each kid's parents at work. The headers indicated the
source of the fax as being the father of the most obnoxious of my marks.
One was faxed to the kid's school, and the dominant character was the
kid's principal. THAT story's probably true...
Two of them no longer have access to their computers and likely won't
again until they reach adulthood and move out. The rest are strangely
quiet lately...
"Bunny Lust" would be a good alternative, as most non-modeming people
have never seen it and it is widely available.
I've got a neat text file called "Fax Phun" which describes a technique
called the "Moebius Fax." It's basically several sheets of black paper
taped together in a big loop and fed into the fax machine (taped
together once in the machine) to form an endless loop. I've done this
before and the first thing I want to say is that it DOES piss people
off. However, it's not perfect because the loop will almost certainly
go out of alignment or will jam or some mickeymouse shit like that. The
call would then be aborted before you got the REAL effect you wanted -
the ruination of an entire roll of fax paper!
However, the advent of cheap Fax Cards has brought about a new kind of
Moebius Fax. It's not really "endless" but you CAN make it VERY LONG.
Just concatenate a bunch of copies of "Bunny Lust" or whatever together
to make a HUGE text file. We're talking megabytes here. Gigantic.
Enough to empty a fax roll. Set up your Bitfax software to send this
textfile by fax to your victim. Make sure you have lots of disk space
as the intermediary file Bitfax will create will be many times larger
than your already-huge textfile. Reprogram the software to send a bogus
header - maybe with another victim's name and phone number. And then
fax away. Do this a couple of nights in a row and then stop because by
then the Telco will have placed a print monitor on the line.
By the way, using the same kinds of text files as in the above fax
pranks will amplify the annoyance factor of this trick...
A good friend of mine works in a copy shop and, knowing of my rather
sadistic leanings, felt compelled to tell me just how hard copy toner
stains are to remove from clothes. Especially the purplish
multi-coloured used toner dreck from full colour copiers...
So, thought I, what a great way to recycle copy toner. Stuff a bunch
into a rubber balloon (until it's stretched), shove an M-100 in after it
and a suitable fuse. Discretely place near your intended victim, light,
get away. Your victim will think World War III has started with the
explosion and the hail of toner, and will find his clothes hopelessly
soiled...
Alternatively, if you have less tact, just walk up to your victim and
dump the contents of the used toner bin onto him. He'll either try to
stomp your guts out or just stand there stunned, piss his pants, and ask
you what constructive purpose THAT served...
Video rental place screwed you over? Have no fear, revenge is here.
The movie was full of bad spots and should have been thrown out ages
ago. You can accelerate its trip to the landfill, and through the use
of creative anarchy you can take a few VCR's with it!
It's really simple. Video tape does not like to stick to itself. When
it does, it can wrap around the very fast-moving rotary video head,
causing a world of problems.
But when you cause the tape to stick to itself by injecting lubricating
oil into the cassette's case, you will not only double the repair cost
of the VCR, you will also foul any tapes that should be played in that
VCR if the tape happens to survive, reducing their lifespans by about
100% as well!
One other thing that a friend used to do when he thought a rental movie
was a ripoff, is he used to set up a titling program on his C-64 and
record nasty messages like: "Raghead Video Sucks and So Does This Movie"
in big letters on the blank tape at the end.
Ah, Paintball, what a relaxing way to while away your weekends. NOT!
Obvious things to do with a paintball gun are snipe at Jehovahs,
splatter an enemy's house, car, and dog, and ruin feminist posters at
your local university. But, eventually, you will tire of colouring your
world with your trusty little CO2 pistol, and will want to put it to
better use.
A suggestion by one of my users is to use a syringe to suck the contents
from a paint ball, and another to refill the ball with whatever you
want. Mace, stinkum, cyanide. Even mind-altering drugs, or just piss.
Close off the tiny hole with a little epoxy or silicone (I suggest
surrounding the needle before withdrawing it) and you have one hell of a
nasty "paint" ball. Naturally, you aim for the face. And if you get
caught, well, the cop who writes up his report on you will have a story
to tell his grandchildren...
An update to my Krazy Glue trick which involved coin-operated machines:
I suggested Krazy Glue along with some paper to provide volume. However
it will be easier, quicker, and just about as effective if you buy a
tube of Silicone, put on the fine tip and just squeeze that shit into a
coin slot. Works best close to closing time so the shit can set before
someone tries to put a quarter in.
Well, that's Pranks XVIII. I'll leave you with a pleasant thought...
"If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will
be a weapon, a minister of death praying for war. But until that day
you are pukes. You're the lowest form of life on Earth. You're not
even human fucking beings! You are nothing but unorganized flabbastic
pieces of amphibian shit! Do you maggots understand that?"
- USMC Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Senior Drill Instructor, Parris Island.
Call: THC (604) 361-4549 1200-9600v32
