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SLAP 3
This is SLAP #3. SLAP now has it's own FTP archive.
ftp.teleport.com /users/derek
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slap.2
slap.3
SLAP #3 is late but I am operating on once a month schedule now. I still
have no contributors (except for VanRant in the last issue) Anyone is
welcome to contribute material. Whatever! Send email for subscripitions! Do
not forget to send complaints and adoration to:
derek@teleport.com.
Thanks
Derek
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INDEX
1---PBS
2---What We Need
3---Historical Figures Explained Through Talk Show Psychology
4---Filler
5---Reader Poll
6---Filler
7---News Briefs
8---Dad Is in the Ground and Mom Is in Jail
___________________________________________________
PBS:
PBS. Public Broadcasting System AKA Pretty Boring Shit! Does PBS really
serve the entire public the way they claim? Are they really that civic
oriented? Who watches this stuff? Let's look at some of their wonderful
programming....
PBS sees it's mission as one to educate and enrich people through the medium
of television. The market they end up serving is mainly their own egos.
PBS allows a select few individuals to show off their extensive knowledge of
the useless to millions of viewers. Ohhhh! We are so impressed. They
stole half of their programming from the BBC, and British television is
about as good as British food. I know the supporters of the BBC will always
tell you how popular it is but with only 4 channels in the whole country to
chose from ....wow what a surprise that 1/4 of the people watch it. The only
good entertainment the British have provided the world with in the past
couple of years has been their monarchy.
PBS has some really great programs.
The opera that you have to read along to understand are great. If they want
to show music that needs subtitles, why don't they show an Ice-T concert and
have the lyrics on the bottom of the screen with a little bouncing ball so
all the suburban white people can follow along?
Those cooking shows are great too. What is the point of watching a show
about making some kind of food that #1 you can't even pronounce, #2 you
could never find any of the ingredients at a normal grocery store, and #3
looks like it tastes like crap. How about a cooking show that tells you how
McDonalds makes that Secret Sauce? Or how to make your own Slurpys at home?
These are the things Americans really want to know, like what soda has the
best sugar rush. I want Ronald McDonald and George Foreman to host a
cooking show. Kill off the Frugal Gourmet and Burt Wolf!
What about those painting shows? How many people do you know that paint? I
don't know anyone. Replace it with a show on how to use your camcorder.
How to make your own home porno's. That type of thing would be much more
successful and popular... although the thought of that Brillo-headed painter
guy naked isn't too pleasant.
Those silly kids shows. Sure, Barney is popular but what kind of a role
model is he? The thing isn't even human. They need a show along the lines
of the Mighty Morphine Power Rangers! That show has values that all
Americans need. I can just see after your kid watches Barney for years and
my kid watches the Power Rangers. Your kid will be singing, "I love you,
you love me..." as my kid beats the hell out of him and takes his lunch
money. Barney weakens Americas children.
The MacNeil/Lehrer News Hour is nothing more than a bunch of boring people
sitting around arguing over boring stuff. Get rid of that roundtable
discussion stuff. I think they need to make it more like American
Gladiators. I would love to see Janet Reno rolling around in one of those
big steel caged balls, or William Bennet getting the crap beaten out of him
by some high school dropout. Instead of debates, they should have a more
empirical test. They should test the individual's resolve on an issue.
Line the two contestants up next to each other. Whoever can snort an entire
jar of peanut butter first wins. Anyone who would do that must feel more
passionately about the issue at hand.
Charlie Rose is another guy that just sits around a table and talks. He
always plays up to his guests and gets them to expose some pseudo new age
philosophical "this is how and why I live my life" point of view. Fire that
guy and get an ex-CIA interrogation expert. Put the guest under a bright
light, and torture them with electricity. This is the way to find the real
truth.
This Old House is another stupid show. What is the point of having a show
about fixing up a house when all the work gets contracted out. They
shouldn't show you how the contractor puts in the wiring or driveway. They
should show you how to find a good contractor and stuff like that. But
really, the program should be replaced with a more practical "how-to" show.
A show that tells its viewers how to de scramble cable or build your own
electric chair would be more appropriate. How about Dr. Ruth and Dr.
Kevorkian doing a call-in show on necrophilia?
PBS is really missing the boat on sports entertainment. They need a show
dedicated solely to Monster Trucks. It is pretty clear that no country in
the world can even come close to competing with America in the realm of
Monster Trucks. How could PBS pass on this opportunity?
The shows about the strange sexual habits of animals is a good idea, but why
bother with animals' strange habits when there are plenty of strange sexual
habits among humans? Just look at the British Parliament. Along the same
lines, I would have to say that we need to get rid of Mister Rogers. The
man obviously gets a sexual thrill from sticking his hand up inside a puppet
and playing a woman in the land of make-believe. He needs help. Keep the
kids away.
I am about finished with my suggestions, but one of the majorly annoying
things they do is the begging. I think pledge week/month/year is the most
pathetic thing they could do. They give away the most awful gifts for crazy
amounts of money. Instead of torturing the viewer for money, torture the
PBS staff for money. For x amount of dollars pledged, have the staff eat a
live gold fish or something. It would be sort of like Letterman's Stupid
Human Tricks.
Well those are just a few of my suggestions for PBS. With
500 hundred channels on the way, PBS better start doing some
more innovative programming, if they still want to squeeze
money out of the American Viewer......
___________________________________________________
What We Need:
...still even bigger sizes of fries and coke at McDonalds.
Something the size of the GNP of a small 3rd world country
would be nice.
...more twenty somethings with bad facial hair who have
intellectualized teen angst into a philosophy
...a few more news magazine shows because, Day One, Eye to
Eye, 48 Hours, 60 Minutes, 20 Minutes, Now, Primetime Live,
Front Page just aren't enough for me.
...shoes that are even uglier than Birkenstocks. Just to
prove it's possible.
...more talk about the Information Super Highway.
...Time magazine to do a swimsuit issue of world leaders.
___________________________________________________
Historical Figures Explained Through Talk Show Psychology
Vincent VanGogh wasn't a wonderful talented and tortured
artist. He was just lithium deficient.
Fyodor Dostoyevski was a deep, dark, serious, profound writer. He
suffered from severe depression. Instead of writing, he
should have taken Prozac.
Adolf Hitler wasn't evil. His father never really loved him,
and that caused him to feel inferior. In his attempt to
overcome his feelings of inferiority, he felt the need to
rule the world and destroy an entire race of people. But
really, it was because his Daddy didn't love him.
___________________________________________________
What would happen if Shannon Doherty cut off Jack Nicholson
in traffic?
If Lorena Bobbit had teeth like Nancy Kerrigan she
wouldn't have needed a knife.
It was announced that former USSR head of state Mikhail
Gorbachev will be wrestling in the WWF next season.
___________________________________________________
SLAP is pleased to announce it's first readers poll.
Vote now for the worst toupee:
1. Sam Donaldson
2. Burt Reynolds
3. Frank Sinatra
please email your vote to derek@teleport.com
___________________________________________________
Now listen boys whatever you do... do not try and tie your
penis in a knot.
Bacteria make great pets.
___________________________________________________
News Briefs
Seattle has just announced plans for the construction of an entire theme
park based around the burial sites of pop culture figures. Currently Jimi
Hendrix, Bruce and Brandon Lee, and the most recent addition, Kurt Cobain,
now reside in Seattle cemeteries. The City Council is trying to secure the
burial rights to such stars as Madonna, Michael Bolton, and Arnold
Schwarzenneger. Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones is said to have
offered his body to be buried in Seattle, but the Council rejected his offer
on the grounds that burying his body in Seattle would violate federal, state
and local environmental regulations. The city is best known for its grunge
rock, Boeing, and the Seattle skydome, but wants to add a more timeless
attraction. Faithful followers have often flocked from all over the world
to pay tribute to their fallen heroes. In Paris, Jim Morrison's grave is
the third most popular tourist attraction, and Graceland, the home and final
resting place of Elvis, has drawn large crowds for years. Think of the fun
of loading up the kids in the MiniVan and taking off for DeathWorld to see
and explore the past of really cool dead guys. Seattle is only tentatively
using DeadWorld Theme Park as its title but is looking to switch the name as
soon as possible to prevent any confusion with EuroDisney. There is a
lucrative market in housing the corpses of the famous.
Madonna is attempting to change her citizenship. She says she no longer
feels in tune with the average American but has found a true soulmate in the
country of Singapore. After the publicity of the Michael Faye
caning/spanking, Madonna made several inquires into the practice of caning.
Madonna, herself has enjoyed the pleasures of punishment for being a bad
girl and said that Singapore was a country that would treat her the way she
deserved and give her the things she needs.
Recovering alcoholic Drew Barrymore recently married a Los Angeles Bar Owner.
Mattel has announced that they will be making a Nancy Kerrigan doll along
the lines of Barbie. Also in a related statement they announced they will be
introducing a GI JOE version of the Tonya Harding gang.
___________________________________________________
Dad Is in the Ground and Mom Is in Jail.
========================================
The past two weeks have been crazy. My dad had a massive heart attack 13
days ago. He has been having some problems for the past couple of years but
he was under pretty careful supervision. He had an assortment of medication
that he was taking and was also on a diet of some sort.
It happened during breakfast on a Thursday. He was eating his scrambled
eggs, bacon, coffee, and toast when he suddenly clutched his chest and
nose-dived into the bowl of sugar on the table. He died immediately. Mom
and I looked on in horror and shock. The ambulance came and took him away
and we did all of those things that you are supposed to do. After a long
weekend, we buried dad on Monday. The whole event was pretty unreal. I
couldn't believe he was really gone, but then Tuesday came.....
Tuesday afternoon, I am sitting in the family room watching "Where in the
World is Carmen SanDiego?" when the police burst in and arrest my mom. I
was clueless as to what was going on but my mom was charged with murder in
the first degree. They say she willing killed my dad by feeding him food
that was high in cholesterol and fat. The DA claims she knew that the
particular food she was feeding him induced the massive heart attack and
that she deliberately fed him this food in an attempt to murder him.
Mom is up in the county jail awaiting trial. They denied her bail on the
grounds that she posed too great a danger to the public. I talked to her
about the whole thing and she says she doesn't know anything and that she
really loved dad. I don't really know for sure but she did feed dad alot of
questionable food. I remember how she would give dad a big glass of whole
milk mixed with a cup and a half of Wesson oil, and when she substituted
Crisco for mashed potatoes or ice cream. It always seemed a little odd but
I never gave it much thought.
I just did a whole bunch of interviews with Sally, Geraldo, Oprah, Phil,
Maury, Montel, Jerry, Ricki, Rolanda, Jenny, and Jane. My agent set it all
up. I was getting so many offers from all over the place that I decided to
get an agent. I don't intend to gain from my mother's imprisonment or my
father's death, but I do have to look out for myself. I have a lot of
projects in the works thanks to my agent... movie of the week, cookbook,
T-shirts, etc.
Just got word that mom's defense is going to be paid for by the Egg Council
of America and the Wesson Oil Company. The DA said he is going to seek the
death penalty. The trial starts in a couple of weeks and I have been called
as a witness for both the defense and prosecution. I am not sure I can
handle all the pressure anymore... I am going to kill myself.... I'm going
to Burger King!.
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